“I Was Just Fed up of Not Being Myself”: Coming out Experiences of White British Divorced and Separated Gay Fathers

Before the so-called “gayby boom” in the 1990s the most common pathway to parenthood for gay men was heterosexual marriage. Since the 1990s most research on gay parenting has focused on intentional gay fathers – those parenting after coming out as gay – and the experiences of post-heterosexual divorce gay fathers (PHGF) have largely been overlooked, even though they remain the largest group of gay fathers. Furthermore, most research on this group, and on gay fathers more broadly, has been conducted in the US, with only a small handful of studies examining the experiences of gay fathers elsewhere. The current study aims to begin to address this omission by exploring the experiences of heterosexually divorced and separated UK gay fathers, focusing on their experiential journey from married, ostensibly heterosexual, men to living openly (more or less) as gay fathers. Transcripts of interviews with six white British men were analyzed using interpretative phenomenological analysis. Five themes are reported: (1) The impossibility of being openly gay; (2) “Drowning in normality”; (3) “The point of no return”; (4) The kids are alright; and (5) “It just doesn’t seem to compute for people.” The findings suggest that for some PHGF little has changed since the earliest research on this group of gay fathers was published in the 1970s. The men in this study had mostly experienced a tumultuous (and sometimes incomplete) journey to gay fatherhood and continued to struggle with feelings of shame and stigma.

本研究的问题聚焦于曾处于异性恋关系中的同性恋父亲（PHGF）的身份形成与出柜经历，旨在探讨他们如何在异性恋规范和恐同社会中生存，并整合作为父亲与同性恋者的双重身份。尽管关于同性育儿的研究通常侧重于有意成为父母的同性恋男性，但本文重新关注在异性恋婚姻中生育子女的男性群体，并分析法律、社会态度和文化背景的变化如何影响他们的经历。通过对英国背景下六位白人同性恋父亲的案例研究，文章进一步探讨这些男性从异性恋婚姻到离婚、出柜，以及重新构建父亲身份的过程，同时审视这一群体在同性恋社群中的边缘化现象及其身份整合的挑战与支持因素。

本研究采用了解释现象学分析法（IPA），探索一组小规模、相对同质的父亲群体（PHGF）的生活经历。通过英国同性恋父亲社交网络和滚雪球式招募，共招募了6名平均年龄52岁、受过高等教育的白人中产阶级男性，他们均曾经历至少五年以上的异性恋婚姻或长期关系，并在关系结束后参与研究。访谈采取非结构化形式，鼓励参与者讲述成长中的性别期待、家庭关系、身份认同以及从异性恋父亲到公开同性恋父亲的经历，访谈在参与者家中进行，每次持续75分钟至2小时，并获得伦理批准。数据分析遵循IPA流程，通过阅读、记录、归纳主题，以时间线组织参与者从异性恋父亲到公开同性恋父亲的转变经历，提炼出五个核心主题（如“公开为同性恋的难以可能性”）。研究团队通过完整的电子档案记录、团队讨论和反思确保分析的透明性和可靠性，并用访谈摘录支持研究结论。

本研究发现，曾经历异性恋婚姻的男同性恋父亲（PHGF）面临着复杂的身份认同与生活轨迹。他们的早期经历普遍包括对同性欲望的压抑和异性恋规范的顺从，并因社会对同性恋的污名化、家庭和文化环境的保守性以及对真实性和责任的社会期待而难以认同自身同性恋身份。许多人经历了婚姻中的矛盾与隐秘的同性关系，最终在对孩子和家庭的责任与对自身真实性的渴望之间找到平衡。一些人成功整合了同性恋身份与父亲角色，而另一些人仍在为身份冲突、羞耻感和对开放生活的向往而挣扎。本研究揭示了他们在离异、出柜以及重新定义家庭关系中的挑战，同时反映了同性恋父亲在社会变迁中的独特困境和发展。